Insurrection stalemates DC March 13

March 14, 2008

Over a million workers toting AK-47s in the air surrounded the U.S. Congress the night of March 13. The House of Representatives met in its fifth secret session in history in a tense atmosphere to discuss its response. The last secret session was 25 years ago.

An astrologist exhorting the crowd said, “things really started clicking when we removed the hammer and sickle from our newspaper logo.” Citizens sporting captured makeshift tanks from local police departments flanked and guarded celebrating revolutionaries on foot in the streets of DC.

“Once we blew past the locals with their more educated use of weapons against us, it was a relatively easy task to overpower the 50 million security guards of McJihad Inc. securing the Capitol,” added the astrologist, Jeb Bunker. “The 50 million guards from Pakistan reinforcing the Congress did not have a high cost of reproduction of their labor-power,” he added.

Although Jeb Bunker’s speeches drew the largest crowds in the uprising, not all were content. “We dropped the hammer and sickle for a different reason,” said one disgruntled Jeb Bunker follower  who now stresses the “mass line.” “Now we use the water cooler to replace the hammer and the coconut tree to replace the sickle, as our contribution to the application of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism in the United States,” he added. However, a careful examination of the rebel faction’s literature shows that the logo is a topless Paris Hilton leaning on a water cooler with a bubble quote, “I get tired after proving it all night!” Underneath is the slogan “abortion free and on demand!”

Priscilla Prissy addressed the condition of females further, “I get tired of the MIM people always talking about the low morals of our females. That’s why it was so key to focus the fire on the backward wimmin of Iran and Afghanistan this International Wimmin’s Day,” Prissy said. “Jeb Bush’s speeches make me feel so good about myself after cheating on my boyfriend, slipping a laxative in my romantic competitor’s coffee and accusing my quota of minorities of rape,” she added. “It’s not that we are decadent here. It’s that they are so backward in the Islamic countries and the MIM just doesn’t get it, because they’re old white men not in tune with what young Maoists of America think today.”

From Nepal, Communist Party (Maoist) leader Prachanda hailed the developments: “Clearly, the line of the world party has been proven correct, particularly International Wimmin’s Day preparations.” “It was the timely aid to the occupation of Afghanistan that drew the best troops away from Washington, DC and allowed the rebellion to proceed relatively unmolested,” he said. “With our provocative statements supporting them, we lured the enemy deep into our territory, and exploited Americans needing refreshment at the water cooler did the rest.”

Not everyone in the crowd was a new face. Bill Clinton was in the ranks of the revolutionaries: “Our health care plan covers everybody! Know the Clintons. Love the Clintons and you will get a job!” A rank-and-file member of the Prison Guards Union Charles Graner agreed, “the thing about the MIM line is that it is all talk, nothing concrete for us.” Graner passed out business cards to cheerful passers-by.

Rumors surfaced that Barack Obama was also on the scene, but MIM Lite reporters were unable to confirm the veracity of those reports. Nonetheless, marching demonstrators chanted “change comes from below.”

A stand-off between Black supporters of Obama and other factions ended peacefully. “The profits of the telecoms are obscene,” said Bubba Bunker. “We and the Obama supporters realized we have to unite against the MIM line, on behalf of the real masses and against McJihad Inc.,” he said.

Supporters of the Obama faction and others attended an impromptu Bruce Springsteen concert on the street. “By rallying our base in the American flag-waving Bruce Springsteen fans, we were able to defeat the 50 million McJihad Inc.  guards reinforcing Congress’s security perimeter. However, now we must have vigilance against further reinforcements from Palestine, Syria, Iran and Indonesia to finally defeat the greedy condom companies raising the cost of living!” said Jeb Bunker.



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